Fear (not anger) is THE core emotion for traumatized kids. Fear colors the world of children with RAD in ways that are hard for others to fathom.
One way this manifests is the lingering fear many children with RAD have that they are truly at risk of being harmed or murdered by the people around them – parents, siblings, classmates, school staff, random strangers in the store, librarians, doctors, the mail man...Name a person, any person, and it’s possible that your child doesn’t trust that person to the degree that your child even expects that person to spontaneously cause them harm.

Sadly, it can be really tough to find positive reading material for kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Most children’s literal is fatally flawed because it hyper-focuses on the thoughts, feelings, and choices of the children and elevates them as superior to the adults. Let’s not even mention Tangled with its kidnapping, self-serving, fake mom. Oh my.

Chores are really important for:

1. Teaching health and hygiene skills

2. Training in employable skills

3. Building self-efficacy, which contributes to self-esteem (“I can do good things!”)

4. Giving children an opportunity to do something helpful after they’ve done something disrespectful

But making kids do chores is work. It is not free labor for parents, contrary to the child’s perspective.

The other day I looked at my arm and immediately thought, “Hmm, I wonder which kid gave me that scratch?” Then I realized I hadn’t restrained a kid in weeks. That scratch came from my dog!

It made me laugh that my brain instantly went to the violent children. I mean, why not?

“Brain Games” are activities that encourage healthy brain development while the child is playing a game. There are a lot of simple activities that are brain games like “Connect the Dots”, and there are also formalized board games, which is what I’m going to focus on here.

Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder typically have a weak grasp and implementation of cause and effect. It’s like they are so stuck in their own past hurt that they have trouble anticipating what will happen if they lean against the middle of a stack of books. Oh, oops. The books fell over. (Ya, they aren’t always faking that. Sometimes they truly didn’t or couldn’t think it through.) Logically, if you lean your weight against something lighter, you’re going to push it over, right?

Documenting Behavior

Any parent describing behavior that is way outside the norm is going to be looked upon with some doubt. I mean, if a friend told you that her child jumped over the house, would you automatically believe her? No. It’s the same for reporting our children’s extreme raging, defiance, control and manipulation. It’s practically unbelievable.

But, there’s an App for that. ☺ (kind of)

For as much trouble as they can cause, even kids with RAD sometimes say the darndest things.

“Uh-oh, kids,” I said as we took our seats in the medical waiting room.
“You’re probably going to die.”

The kids looked at me with peaked curiosity. Their facial expressions begged to know more, so I continued: “Just look around. What do you see?” It was then that my children noticed that every single child in the waiting room had a handheld electronic device.

4 children. 4 handheld electronic devices.

I said, “See. You two don’t have electronic devices. You’re probably going to die.” The children’s survival instincts kicked in as they argued against me, “No, we’re not!” Haha. Gotcha! You won’t beg for a device now!

Since this medical institution claims to promote life over death, and as I explained clearly children die if left to sit without a screen in their hands, the facility had a set of loaner handheld devices and offered that my children could use them. I politely declined. After all, we needed to prove who was right, the children or me.

We were now on the equivalent of a reality TV episode
of Survivor: The Waiting Room Edition.

When it comes to traumatized kids the term "age-appropriate" isn't always helpful. Use the 4 considerations outlined here to help determine what chores might be developmentally-appropriate for your child.