“What chores can I give my child?”
It is very healthy and recommended that every child have a simple daily chore. But this is not as straight-forward as it sounds. What chore should I assign? Can it be a different chore each day of the week? What happens when they don’t finish it?
A useful place to start is a grid matching ages with tasks, so here’s one place to find such a grid: https://www.flandersfamily.info/web/age-appropriate-chores-for-children/
But, instead of “age-appropriate” choose a task that is
“developmentally-appropriate”.
The term “age-appropriate” assumes that a certain level of development has occurred by certain ages. Seeing as development can be much more varied than that, especially when children have experienced trauma in the first 5 years of life (their major growing period), you’ll need to think about a few more variables than just your child’s age before selecting tasks for your particular child.
Consider this:
1. Repetition
Choose a small household chore that’s possible for your child to do daily. This requires less teaching on your part (See previous post: “Teaching Chores”), allows the child to build his skills and confidence about the task, and makes the daily routine more consistent. Not only does your child not have to spend time and energy figuring out what their chore is for today (because it’s the same everyday), but also YOU don’t have to spend time and energy figuring that out! Woohoo. It’s like another way of being nice to yourself!
2. Household Impact
Children with RAD are known for their defiance. If you assign a task to your child with RAD and they take literally 4 hours to complete it (and yes, some kids take MUCH longer than that), will that chore not being completed negatively impact the family? If the answer is yes, then don’t give that job to a child with RAD.
For instance, if it’s the child’s job to wash dishes, what happens when the next meal rolls around and the dishes still aren’t washed? Uh-oh. Re-assigning the job is not recommended as it rewards incompletion and reinforces low self-esteem, rejection, and negative self-image.
For this reason feeding or watering a household pet is also NOT an ok beginner chore as doing the chore improperly or not going it at all could result in illness or death.
Tip: A few chores that hardly impact household function are folding washing cloths (not towels), dusting baseboards, and sweeping.
3. Safety
Location: Choose a task that is /can be located in a place which you can adequately supervise the child with both eyes and ears while they complete the task, even if it takes ridiculously long.
Perhaps the child can fold washcloths or dust baseboards or sweep in a place within view of the kitchen while you prep dinner?
Tools:
Do not give long handled brooms and mops, which can bonk walls (driving you crazy) or be broken or used as a weapon when the child gets mad. Instead give hand brooms with dustpans for sweeping and sponges or rags for mopping.
Poisonous cleaning solutions? What if your child ingests it? What if they pour it in the dog’s bowl? Consider a safer alternative like vinegar or baking soda.
Expensive Tools: Vacuuming seems easy, but it’s not a good idea since it involves using expensive equipment.
4. Stress Tolerance
It is really easy to want to assign big daily chores to kids who cost us big amounts of emotional stress and physical strain. It’s really common to think, “Maybe if I give her a big enough chore, then it’ll keep her busy for hours.”
Punishment for our harassment and
keeping kids busy are not what a daily chore is about.
The daily chore is about skill-building, self-esteem building, and training in respect and responsibility. (Notice that the daily chore is also not about helping to keep your house clean. That’s really just an added bonus.)
Make sure the task is one component of one room in the house. “Clean the kitchen” is not a good beginner assignment. Instead, start with “Sweep the kitchen floor” or “Wipe spots off kitchen cabinets”.
Children with reactive attachment disorder commonly struggle with visual spatial reasoning. This means tasks involving lots of space or the manipulation of large objects like towels is truly neurologically difficult for them. Start small and grow over time.
Share a comment about something that worked well for you in
teaching your child with RAD to do a daily chore.