Recovery Time: Gratitude over Happiness

Happiness comes from gratitude, not gratitude from happiness.

Wait. Stop and re-read that. What?

Happiness comes from gratitude, not gratitude from happiness. This is an idea taught by Benedictine monk Brother David Steindl-Rast and shared in his TED Talk online.

As abused parents of challenging children you might be feeling some resistance to even the word “happiness”. It’s threatening because it seems impossible and ignorant of your suffering and fleeting and...what other word would you fill in? “Happiness seems _____.”

Well, thankfully, this blog isn’t about happiness,

and happiness isn’t even the goal in my book.

Let’s all breathe out a really big: PHEW!!!

Happiness is not your aim for today. Anything you had planned today to “make yourself happy,” just cross it off. Wrong goal. Instead make a plan for gratitude.

Gratitude is scientifically proven to be one of the most powerful positive emotions, and seeing as you are battling against all the most negative emotions, I thought we’d go straight to the big gun of Gratitude as you gear up to face the world head on! Yes?

“If gratefulness yields happiness, then why am I not happier? I’m not ungrateful?”

I’m so glad you asked. You see, Brother David figured out that gratefulness comes from recognizing that you’ve received something of value. In order to fully stir up that lovely feeling of gratitude you’ve got to recognize that the thing you want to feel grateful about has been given to you. Sure, your hard work and choices may have factored in, but even so, can you conjure that thing out of thin air? If you were floating in outer space, could you make it spontaneously manifest before you? Of course not! In that respect, everything you’ve received in life from each breath to every morsel of food to each moment of kindness is all a GIFT.

The second key to feeling grateful is to realize that the item or experience has value to you. Have you ever been grateful for dirt? You have after being stuck in the sky during a terrifying storm and three failed attempts to land. Once you touchdown, you could kiss the dirt. Suddenly, dirt has value to you. So, WHY are you grateful? What value does it hold to you?

Tools: It’s all in how you use them.

Recovery Time tools are not magic. They are just tools. You (and I) have to make effort, practice and learn how to use them well. 

Recovery Time Practice

Write 5 things you’re grateful for like so:

·       Part A: I am grateful for receiving ________.
(Remember, you’ve got to recognize it’s a gift! That matters more than it being small or large, lasting or fleeting, etc.)

·       Part B: Explain why it has value to you.

Then allow 2 minutes to reflect on your list and genuinely feel the effect of those valuable gifts on your heart.

Sample Gratitudes

1.     I am grateful that Johnny is going to school today because that means fewer hours of his challenges.

2.     I’m grateful for a safe neighborhood where I can walk because it reminds me to breath and smile.

3.     I’m grateful for getting to see my mom because I like when she smiles at me.

4.     I’m grateful that my husband knows how to handle things that I’m no good at like cars and computers. What a burden that is off my back.

5.     I’m grateful the bite mark on my hand is healing because I don’t want Johnny to see it anymore and I’m really hoping the nerves in my thumb stop tingling and have proper sensation again one day.

When you practice gratitude, you are cultivating a healthy mindset. This is a mindset that you have complete control over. Yes, your child is still going to throw poop in your face – whether literally or figuratively. Gratitude won’t stop that. But, as you practice gratitude you are increasing resilience in your heart, brain and body. This is you fortifying your inner being – something that is absolutely necessary given the demands on you today.

Silence the voice that tells you these actions/efforts are too small and will never be enough to make a difference. I’ve listened to that voice too, and it was LYING TO ME! Silence the worry that says “I can’t feel it”, “I don’t feel it”. It’s not about feelings! It’s about choices. Choose gratitude today.

As you practice Gratitude you are setting the stage to also get better at:

1.     Being able to reframe your child’s behavior

2.     Looking for the good and praising positives in your child

3.     Living outside your child’s negative atmosphere

Recommended Web Wandering

1.     (14.5 min video) Brother David Steindl-Rast’s TED Talk (LINK)

2.     (PDF download) HeartMath’s booklet “The Coherent Heart” (LINK)

3.     (53 min audio only) NPR’s Ted Radio Hour “Simply Happy” (LINK)

4.     (9 min video) TEDxSF June 2011 Talk by Louie Schwartzberg: “Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.” (LINK)

Take Things "Seriously"

This is my “serious” face. After all, most of life is really serious – just ask your kid. Here are some of my favorite quotes from children with RAD.

• “I have to have 3 pieces of bread every day to stay healthy.”
• “I have to have a dirt rake RIGHT NOW!”
• “I touched the dog and now I think I’m dying!”
• “You have to give me a popsicle after dinner.” (Actually I don’t. And then I gave the sugar craving, sugar stealing Sweetie Pie a popsicle for breakfast.) “You can’t feed me popsicles for breakfast!”
• “My arm’s going to fall off, it’s going to fall off, THERE IT GOES!” (I kid you not. And yes, his arm was fine as I held it with 2 fingers.)
• (After reading the side effect list on a prescription bottle) “You have to tell me what libido is right now! I have to know so I know if I get it!”

As you can see, life is full of emergencies and do-or-die situations. So I reach in my pocket and pop in the right teeth for the occasion. Whether I’m walking down the grocery aisle (preferably with a family member who is oblivious to what I’ve just put in my mouth) or when a child is lying to me, when the child is falling apart over a chore that’s “too difficult” or just asking to use the bathroom, nearly any occasion is the right occasion for BUBBA TEETH!

This, my friends, is one of the keys to staying sane
in the face of constant insanity.

The more you can stay in character and make it a full charade, the better.

Here are a few recommended uses:

1. Greeting your child in the morning. Talk like Mater from Cars and say, “Welp, time to don some clean britches.”

The confusion on a child’s face can be so satisfying. But do practice saying the line before you enter as the teeth can be difficult to talk with.

2. Picking your child up from school.

Using your best hick voice, “So, how was yer day?”

3. Child expressing a ridiculous need.

“Well, I see there you’re in a pickle. I was in a pickle once. Slimy place, come to think of it. But the vinegar made my hair soft. What was it you need again?”

Warning: Personal self-worth required.

A word of warning: this will not work if you take your child’s reaction seriously. It’s also not a silver bullet for bumping your kid out of Crazy Land. Your kid may not laugh; they may just scream and escalate. The point is more about you than them. If they scream and escalate, but wearing the ridiculous teeth helps you not to escalate, then great! Success! On the other hand, if it’s gonna hurt your feelings for your child to say something mean back to you, then set this idea aside for now.

There are 2 goals here.

Goal #1 You staying calm and sane despite whatever nonsense your child is kicking up.

Goal #2 You getting to be someone you like (a fun parent) and potentially de-railing your child’s negative emotions for at least a quick second .

If you’re up for it, find yourself a funny accessory like bubba teeth which you can easily carry in a pocket or purse, then slip it on when the moment’s right, and ENJOY. Other characters you can consider being: Einstein, Buzz Lightyear, Used Car Salesman...

If you have a successful experience, share about it by clicking on this entry’s title and typing in the Comment Section that appears below.

Practical Procedures: Door Alarms & Froggy Potty

Has your child ever peed in the closet?

At Ms. Heidi’s house that’s legal! Well, kind of...
At Ms. Heidi’s kids are alarmed into their rooms during nap and nighttime. If you need the toilet, there’s one in the closet, but it’s not your usual bathroom toilet. The kids are consequenced if they call for adults through the door. An alarmed door means “keep to yourself in here until I return”. An alarmed door also means peace of mind for everyone else in the home as Sweetie Pie is safely contained.

Some parents – usually the ones who are scared of what their child might do under the cover of darkness – dive right into the idea of putting a door alarm on the child’s bedroom door. Other parents approach the idea with great skepticism and emotions. The two most common comments are:

“Won’t my child feel like I’m mistreating him?”
and
“How will he use the bathroom during the night?”

Yet, EVERY TIME a skeptical parent has installed the door alarms, they have come back singing its praises and asking, “Why didn’t we do this sooner? I feel so much more peace!”
The truth is that door alarms are actually a necessity in order for most RAD kids to feel safe at night, even in their own home. The kids have all kinds of visions of bad guys sneaking in through their window to harm or kidnap them or parents/siblings/monsters coming through the door as they sleep to scare or harm them. But alarms put all that to rest! So, no, your child won’t actually feel rejected when you install door alarms. Your child will feel valued because you are protected them and setting limits. Sometimes RAD parenting seems like it could be called “opposite parenting” because it’s just the opposite of what you naturally think.
But, your child may also feel stressed and become defiant. The kids who question and fight the alarms the most probably have the most night-time secrets you wish you knew about or just really enjoy being able to manipulate us parents by leaving their room whenever they desire. No good!

(In my 6 years of RAD parenting I have only met ONE child who legitimately was not emotionally safe sleeping alone until other therapeutic work was accomplished first. But notice that this child did feel safe sleeping with his parents and actually stayed in bed with the parents. Most of the children with whom I work would only agree to sleep with their parents as a method of controlling or harming their parents.)
If you’ve had trouble teaching your child to respect the door alarm, consider signing up for parent coaching with Heidi via Skype or for Strong Love Parenting’s new online curriculum coming soon.

Alarm Recommendations

#1 RadioShack Coded Alarm

I love this product for bedrooms because the kids cannot turn it off unless they have the code. Plus, it can be set to work either as a simple chime whenever the door is opened or as a siren alarm. Just flip the switch to whichever you prefer in that situation. And that siren is L-O-U-D!!!! This product also has a delay function. I can’t think of any situation in which that would be appropriate for RAD parenting; do not use “Delay”.

The only bummer is that these are pricey and can be difficult to track down. But once you get one, it can last you forever. Ours have worked for years even after hitting the floor a few times.

Attaching the alarms with 3M strips has been perfectly sufficient. No screws necessary or holes.

#2 RadioShack Keyed Alarm

This unit is great for closets and pantries, especially when simply changing the door handle to a locking handle isn’t possible. I used one of these when we had a closet in the kids’ bathroom in our previous home. The key can be attached to your key ring, just keep a close eye on your keys.

 
#3 A simple Wireless Door/Window Alarm

This unit is great for windows. For an alarm being hung on the exterior of the window, you’ll want to super glue the toggle switch into the On position so no one can “accidentally” switch it off.

It is not terribly uncommon for a few kids to request having an alarm on the interior of their window as well to help them feel safe. This is healthy control over the child’s own safety. If at any time the child misuses this tool, it can easily be removed.

I don’t generally use this style of alarm on the bedroom simply because the kids can turn it off when they come out. The risk of a child sneaking out and turning off their own alarm before I hear it is just too high.
However, if you decide to use a simple alarm on the bedroom door, then I recommend using this model: GE 45115 Wireless Door/Window Alarm. The only difference is that it does both Chime and Alarm functions, which can be helpful. For instance, sometimes I tell the child to “make your bed, open the door and strong sit when you’re done”. This frees me from having to check back on them every so often only to see they haven’t done a thing. Ugh! Of course, I need to stay close enough that I am RIGHT THERE once I hear the chime ding, but in my house that just means not going downstairs or outside. I can do that.

And what about the toileting problem?

I have seen parents use various solutions to this problem, and this is my favorite and the one I use in my home.

The Froggy Potty

I generally place the potty in the empty bedroom closet, so it is true that at Ms. Heidi’s, kids pee in the closet by design. This product is available at ordinary stores like WalMart, Target and Amazon for around $15. The size and shape are great. (Other models did not measure up.) I have had children fill it to the brim, but I’ve never had a child (ages 5-15) overflow it. I’ve also had very little splashing or missing of the potty.
Cleaning Process
When I open the child’s door, I can immediately see (not to mention, smell) that the Froggy has been used. The child lifts the orange bowl off the green stand and carries it to the toilet to dump the contents. Then the child puts some water in the bowl from the sink, swishes it gently and dumps that into the toilet. Now flush.
Next the child gets a disinfectant wipe from under the bathroom sink and wipes out the bowl. Wipe goes in the trash. Child carries the bowl back onto the green froggy stand. Bingo. Done.
Using this method, I’ve never had my froggy potty get grimey and kids of every age are capable of the clean-up.
Toilet Paper: I let the child have enough toilet paper for one use; it is kept next to the froggy potty. Giving the child their own roll of toilet paper is generally more responsibility than they can handle.
Exception: Teenagers, especially menstruating females, will usually require a proper toilet; the froggy potty will frequently not be an appropriate option for their bodies. However, teenagers are also frequently able to hold their bladders and bowels long enough until they are allowed access to the toilet again, so they have no need for an in-room toilet.

What’s the strangest place your child has peed?

Recovery Time

Dear Parents of Challenging Children,

Parenting challenging children is hard work and just by reading this you're telling me that you take this job seriously. Has anyone ever recommended that you need to “lower your stress”? How many times have you heard others say, “You just need a break?” Maybe you’ve read about self-care or “me time” and felt overwhelmed by everything you “should be doing”.

How many times have you heard that “respite” is the answer? Have you ever used respite only to find yourself not feeling any better?

Or perhaps it’s the opposite. Perhaps you are the workhorse who is burning the candle at both ends, not to mention the flame melting wax away at the center, and it seems that no one notices or cares? Or maybe they notice but nothing helps. What can they offer anyway?

Does life with your RAD child feel difficult? Heavy? Dragging you down? Or maybe you’re “fine” but your spouse is definitely not.

When it comes to taking care of yourself, do you ever run up against these problems:

1.     No Time / childcare

2.     No Money

3.     No Energy – I’m too drained to do anything else!

4.     No Providers, especially respite providers

5.     Insufficient and Discouraging Experience – When I do something, the pain just comes back anyway.

6.     The Kid is the Problem - If I spend my time, money and energy on myself, then I won’t have enough to heal my kid since my kid already requires all my time, money and energy! And if I don’t do everything I can to heal my kid, I’ll never get out of this mess!

Many books and therapists will talk about “Self-Care”. Personally, I don’t like the term “self-care” because it doesn’t accurately address the situation. “Self-care” sounds like “Me Time”, which misses the point completely as to what RAD parents need. While every parent wishes for bygone days of more independent time, what is needed for RAD parents isn’t some selfish luxury at all as suggested by the term “self-care” but rather the absolute necessity of time to recover from the assaults thrown your way. Thus, my preferred term is “Recovery Time”. You need some way to recover so many things, including your goat because there are few people in this world who can “get your goat” like your child with RAD. :)

As we dive into this concept together throughout the course of the blog and encounter various ways to practice Recovery Time, I’d like you to keep the following points in mind:

1.     Recovery is something that has to be learned through trial and error.
This will take practice and tenacity to get back on the horse when it seems like nothing works. Have patience as you thoughtfully sort out what is a fit for you and what is not.

2.     Recovery isn’t magic.
One tool will work for you some days and on other days still leave you empty. This is why it’s important to build a large collection of recovery tools and become proficient in using them. This blog will cover many, many options if you stay tuned.

3.     Recovery requires you to face your perceived walls and limitations head on.
Living in the truth of your needs and resources is TRICKY and requires courage. No matter what the limitation is, the question comes down to, “What can you do? What do you have control over?” In reality, that’s all you can do.

Could you use some Recovery Time? If so, post one reason you think that Recovery Time is worth growing in as a skill or priority.