Caption: “What I Want: I want to kill mommy. I want to hit mommy. I want to bite mommy. I want to hypnotize mommy. I want mommy to never ever have food for her.”
Reading that journal entry does not feel good – except perhaps for the feeling of relief that you’re not the only one with a kid like that! More importantly, parenting a child like that tends to not feel good. In fact, it’s sometimes inconceivably painful.
While all humans need recovery in some way or another, the demands of RAD parenting require Recovery Time at a level that is hard to parallel. Perhaps it can be compared to climbing Mount Everest for months and years at a time, over and over again. RAD parenting is physically, emotionally, cognitively, relationally, spiritually, and financially demanding. (Feel free to add more categories to this list.)
RAD parenting is not your average parenting.
As a comparison from the world of medicine, people with diabetes have demands on their daily life that other people do not face. Diabetics have to pay attention to their bodies (e.g. insulin monitoring, foot checks, state changes, time for medical appointments) and care for their bodies (i.e. diet, exercise, fluid intake, money for insulin/prescriptions) differently than non-diabetics. In much the same way as being diabetic makes different demands on your systems than not being diabetic, people raising children with RAD have demands on their systems that others do not. These demands can be summarized as Injury, Loss, and Depletion.
Injury, loss, and depletion are inherent components of being a RAD parent.
Suffering injury, loss and depletion as a RAD parent is not a sign of failure. Instead, it is simply par for the course! What else can you expect from being intimately involved with someone who is out to get you? “I want to bite mommy. I want to hypnotize mommy.”
Recovery Time is about learning how to respond to
injury, loss and depletion in the best ways possible.
RAD parenting is NO JOKE! In fact, it’s as serious as cancer, The Blitz (WWII London), snipers and Chinese Water Torture. When’s the last time you became invincible to those things? I give you permission to NOT work on invincibility!
Needing Recovery Time is not a personal insult.
In fact, it’s a way of honoring yourself and the huge challenges you face!
Sometimes we are acutely aware of the ache of our injuries; other times the stress of dodging landmines all day begins to feel normal. Our bodies and psyches acclimate to unhealthy levels of stress and pain in order to cope. This is a natural, adaptive function, but we take it too far. Ultimately, we all need a chance to repair and heal or injury, loss and depletion will have their way with us.
Recovery isn’t a luxury, but an essential part of the game strategy.
The world of sports has something to say about this, too. In his blog on breakingmuscle.com, Eric Stevens talks about how it took him years to understand the role of recovery.
“’Perform, Recover, Rebuild.’
These words have now replaced my former motto: ‘Go-go-go’...
Preparation and rest are part of performing,
not just something you do when your body, mind, or spirit feels trashed.
Recovery needs to be a permanent part of our game.”
Learning to engage in Recovery Time is not a “go, go, go” process as Eric mentioned above. It’s more an “easy does it”. So as you ease into growing in your Recovery skills start by just keeping a list somewhere fairly convenient of: Things that Feel Good to Me.
“Things that Feel Good to Me”
Remembering what feels good might seem like a surprising starting point, but it’s a necessary one. It’s also ok if this activity feels tough. That’s pretty common among RAD moms/primary caregivers especially. I encourage you to face it head on anyway.
Also, the prompt is as broad as it sounds. You may include both things you believe to be unrealistic and those that seem more practical. Consider tastes, smells, sounds, tactile sensations/touch, beauty, places, activities...anything. Maybe you simply start with these familiar lyrics from The Sound of Music to get you started with a chuckle: “Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, brown paper packages, warm woolen mittens...”
If you’re up to it, share something off your list in the comment section. Maybe it will help spark an idea for someone else.
Source
https://breakingmuscle.com/learn/perform-recover-rebuild-how-perspective-changes-for-the-40-athlete