Dear Parents of Challenging Children,
Parenting challenging children is hard work and just by reading this you're telling me that you take this job seriously. Has anyone ever recommended that you need to “lower your stress”? How many times have you heard others say, “You just need a break?” Maybe you’ve read about self-care or “me time” and felt overwhelmed by everything you “should be doing”.
How many times have you heard that “respite” is the answer? Have you ever used respite only to find yourself not feeling any better?
Or perhaps it’s the opposite. Perhaps you are the workhorse who is burning the candle at both ends, not to mention the flame melting wax away at the center, and it seems that no one notices or cares? Or maybe they notice but nothing helps. What can they offer anyway?
Does life with your RAD child feel difficult? Heavy? Dragging you down? Or maybe you’re “fine” but your spouse is definitely not.
When it comes to taking care of yourself, do you ever run up against these problems:
1. No Time / childcare
2. No Money
3. No Energy – I’m too drained to do anything else!
4. No Providers, especially respite providers
5. Insufficient and Discouraging Experience – When I do something, the pain just comes back anyway.
6. The Kid is the Problem - If I spend my time, money and energy on myself, then I won’t have enough to heal my kid since my kid already requires all my time, money and energy! And if I don’t do everything I can to heal my kid, I’ll never get out of this mess!
Many books and therapists will talk about “Self-Care”. Personally, I don’t like the term “self-care” because it doesn’t accurately address the situation. “Self-care” sounds like “Me Time”, which misses the point completely as to what RAD parents need. While every parent wishes for bygone days of more independent time, what is needed for RAD parents isn’t some selfish luxury at all as suggested by the term “self-care” but rather the absolute necessity of time to recover from the assaults thrown your way. Thus, my preferred term is “Recovery Time”. You need some way to recover so many things, including your goat because there are few people in this world who can “get your goat” like your child with RAD. :)
As we dive into this concept together throughout the course of the blog and encounter various ways to practice Recovery Time, I’d like you to keep the following points in mind:
1. Recovery is something that has to be learned through trial and error.
This will take practice and tenacity to get back on the horse when it seems like nothing works. Have patience as you thoughtfully sort out what is a fit for you and what is not.
2. Recovery isn’t magic.
One tool will work for you some days and on other days still leave you empty. This is why it’s important to build a large collection of recovery tools and become proficient in using them. This blog will cover many, many options if you stay tuned.
3. Recovery requires you to face your perceived walls and limitations head on.
Living in the truth of your needs and resources is TRICKY and requires courage. No matter what the limitation is, the question comes down to, “What can you do? What do you have control over?” In reality, that’s all you can do.
Could you use some Recovery Time? If so, post one reason you think that Recovery Time is worth growing in as a skill or priority.