What's one thing that really makes it hard to love your 10 year old? Few parents would say, "Her pee!" But parents of children with RAD know all too well the struggles of dealing with bedwetting and enuresis. Find tips and encouragement here for loving your child no matter how they pee and using positive responsibility instead of negative shaming as the motivator for change.
What do you give to the child who blows up after receiving anything good? What holiday gifts do you give to a child who destroys or loses seemingly everything? What do you give to the child at whom you have a hard time even smiling? Here's a recipe for giving gifts to your child in a way you're both more likely to handle.
At Ms. Heidi’s house that’s legal! Well, kind of...
At Ms. Heidi’s kids are alarmed into their rooms during nap and nighttime. If you need the toilet, there’s one in the closet, but it’s not your usual bathroom toilet. The kids are consequenced if they call for adults through the door. An alarmed door means “keep to yourself in here until I return”. An alarmed door also means peace of mind for everyone else in the home as Sweetie Pie is safely contained.
Some parents – usually the ones who are scared of what their child might do under the cover of darkness – dive right into the idea of putting a door alarm on the child’s bedroom door. Other parents approach the idea with great skepticism and emotions. The two most common comments are:
“Won’t my child feel like I’m mistreating him?”
and
“How will he use the bathroom during the night?”
Yet, EVERY TIME a skeptical parent has installed the door alarms, they have come back singing its praises and asking, “Why didn’t we do this sooner? I feel so much more peace!”
The truth is that door alarms are actually a necessity in order for most RAD kids to feel safe at night, even in their own home. The kids have all kinds of visions of bad guys sneaking in through their window to harm or kidnap them or parents/siblings/monsters coming through the door as they sleep to scare or harm them. But alarms put all that to rest! So, no, your child won’t actually feel rejected when you install door alarms. Your child will feel valued because you are protected them and setting limits. Sometimes RAD parenting seems like it could be called “opposite parenting” because it’s just the opposite of what you naturally think.
But, your child may also feel stressed and become defiant. The kids who question and fight the alarms the most probably have the most night-time secrets you wish you knew about or just really enjoy being able to manipulate us parents by leaving their room whenever they desire. No good!
(In my 6 years of RAD parenting I have only met ONE child who legitimately was not emotionally safe sleeping alone until other therapeutic work was accomplished first. But notice that this child did feel safe sleeping with his parents and actually stayed in bed with the parents. Most of the children with whom I work would only agree to sleep with their parents as a method of controlling or harming their parents.)
If you’ve had trouble teaching your child to respect the door alarm, consider signing up for parent coaching with Heidi via Skype or for Strong Love Parenting’s new online curriculum coming soon.
#1 RadioShack Coded Alarm
I love this product for bedrooms because the kids cannot turn it off unless they have the code. Plus, it can be set to work either as a simple chime whenever the door is opened or as a siren alarm. Just flip the switch to whichever you prefer in that situation. And that siren is L-O-U-D!!!! This product also has a delay function. I can’t think of any situation in which that would be appropriate for RAD parenting; do not use “Delay”.
The only bummer is that these are pricey and can be difficult to track down. But once you get one, it can last you forever. Ours have worked for years even after hitting the floor a few times.
Attaching the alarms with 3M strips has been perfectly sufficient. No screws necessary or holes.
#2 RadioShack Keyed Alarm
This unit is great for closets and pantries, especially when simply changing the door handle to a locking handle isn’t possible. I used one of these when we had a closet in the kids’ bathroom in our previous home. The key can be attached to your key ring, just keep a close eye on your keys.
#3 A simple Wireless Door/Window Alarm
This unit is great for windows. For an alarm being hung on the exterior of the window, you’ll want to super glue the toggle switch into the On position so no one can “accidentally” switch it off.
It is not terribly uncommon for a few kids to request having an alarm on the interior of their window as well to help them feel safe. This is healthy control over the child’s own safety. If at any time the child misuses this tool, it can easily be removed.
I don’t generally use this style of alarm on the bedroom simply because the kids can turn it off when they come out. The risk of a child sneaking out and turning off their own alarm before I hear it is just too high.
However, if you decide to use a simple alarm on the bedroom door, then I recommend using this model: GE 45115 Wireless Door/Window Alarm. The only difference is that it does both Chime and Alarm functions, which can be helpful. For instance, sometimes I tell the child to “make your bed, open the door and strong sit when you’re done”. This frees me from having to check back on them every so often only to see they haven’t done a thing. Ugh! Of course, I need to stay close enough that I am RIGHT THERE once I hear the chime ding, but in my house that just means not going downstairs or outside. I can do that.
I have seen parents use various solutions to this problem, and this is my favorite and the one I use in my home.
I generally place the potty in the empty bedroom closet, so it is true that at Ms. Heidi’s, kids pee in the closet by design. This product is available at ordinary stores like WalMart, Target and Amazon for around $15. The size and shape are great. (Other models did not measure up.) I have had children fill it to the brim, but I’ve never had a child (ages 5-15) overflow it. I’ve also had very little splashing or missing of the potty.
Cleaning Process
When I open the child’s door, I can immediately see (not to mention, smell) that the Froggy has been used. The child lifts the orange bowl off the green stand and carries it to the toilet to dump the contents. Then the child puts some water in the bowl from the sink, swishes it gently and dumps that into the toilet. Now flush.
Next the child gets a disinfectant wipe from under the bathroom sink and wipes out the bowl. Wipe goes in the trash. Child carries the bowl back onto the green froggy stand. Bingo. Done.
Using this method, I’ve never had my froggy potty get grimey and kids of every age are capable of the clean-up.
Toilet Paper: I let the child have enough toilet paper for one use; it is kept next to the froggy potty. Giving the child their own roll of toilet paper is generally more responsibility than they can handle.
Exception: Teenagers, especially menstruating females, will usually require a proper toilet; the froggy potty will frequently not be an appropriate option for their bodies. However, teenagers are also frequently able to hold their bladders and bowels long enough until they are allowed access to the toilet again, so they have no need for an in-room toilet.
