Happiness comes from gratitude, not gratitude from happiness.
Wait. Stop and re-read that. What?
Happiness comes from gratitude, not gratitude from happiness. This is an idea taught by Benedictine monk Brother David Steindl-Rast and shared in his TED Talk online.
As abused parents of challenging children you might be feeling some resistance to even the word “happiness”. It’s threatening because it seems impossible and ignorant of your suffering and fleeting and...what other word would you fill in? “Happiness seems _____.”
Well, thankfully, this blog isn’t about happiness,
and happiness isn’t even the goal in my book.
Let’s all breathe out a really big: PHEW!!!
Happiness is not your aim for today. Anything you had planned today to “make yourself happy,” just cross it off. Wrong goal. Instead make a plan for gratitude.
Gratitude is scientifically proven to be one of the most powerful positive emotions, and seeing as you are battling against all the most negative emotions, I thought we’d go straight to the big gun of Gratitude as you gear up to face the world head on! Yes?
“If gratefulness yields happiness, then why am I not happier? I’m not ungrateful?”
I’m so glad you asked. You see, Brother David figured out that gratefulness comes from recognizing that you’ve received something of value. In order to fully stir up that lovely feeling of gratitude you’ve got to recognize that the thing you want to feel grateful about has been given to you. Sure, your hard work and choices may have factored in, but even so, can you conjure that thing out of thin air? If you were floating in outer space, could you make it spontaneously manifest before you? Of course not! In that respect, everything you’ve received in life from each breath to every morsel of food to each moment of kindness is all a GIFT.
The second key to feeling grateful is to realize that the item or experience has value to you. Have you ever been grateful for dirt? You have after being stuck in the sky during a terrifying storm and three failed attempts to land. Once you touchdown, you could kiss the dirt. Suddenly, dirt has value to you. So, WHY are you grateful? What value does it hold to you?
Tools: It’s all in how you use them.
Recovery Time tools are not magic. They are just tools. You (and I) have to make effort, practice and learn how to use them well.
Recovery Time Practice
Write 5 things you’re grateful for like so:
· Part A: I am grateful for receiving ________.
(Remember, you’ve got to recognize it’s a gift! That matters more than it being small or large, lasting or fleeting, etc.)
· Part B: Explain why it has value to you.
Then allow 2 minutes to reflect on your list and genuinely feel the effect of those valuable gifts on your heart.
Sample Gratitudes
1. I am grateful that Johnny is going to school today because that means fewer hours of his challenges.
2. I’m grateful for a safe neighborhood where I can walk because it reminds me to breath and smile.
3. I’m grateful for getting to see my mom because I like when she smiles at me.
4. I’m grateful that my husband knows how to handle things that I’m no good at like cars and computers. What a burden that is off my back.
5. I’m grateful the bite mark on my hand is healing because I don’t want Johnny to see it anymore and I’m really hoping the nerves in my thumb stop tingling and have proper sensation again one day.
When you practice gratitude, you are cultivating a healthy mindset. This is a mindset that you have complete control over. Yes, your child is still going to throw poop in your face – whether literally or figuratively. Gratitude won’t stop that. But, as you practice gratitude you are increasing resilience in your heart, brain and body. This is you fortifying your inner being – something that is absolutely necessary given the demands on you today.
Silence the voice that tells you these actions/efforts are too small and will never be enough to make a difference. I’ve listened to that voice too, and it was LYING TO ME! Silence the worry that says “I can’t feel it”, “I don’t feel it”. It’s not about feelings! It’s about choices. Choose gratitude today.
As you practice Gratitude you are setting the stage to also get better at:
1. Being able to reframe your child’s behavior
2. Looking for the good and praising positives in your child
3. Living outside your child’s negative atmosphere