Who do you want to be in 2018? Do you want to be more positive? More encouraging? Maybe even more joyful?
Most parents I know would give just about anything to have a happy family this year. I wish that for you too, but there may be a lot of challenging growing left for some family members to do in 2018. But positivity, encouragement, and joy are still possible. Here’s one way to grow those traits in yourself.
1. Get a notebook or journal.
2. Write down the positive things that happen with the date in the left margin.
We tend to set the bar for what “makes the list” really high initially – something akin to “won the lottery”. It’s normal for you to think, ‘Well, I didn’t win the lottery today, so I guess I don’t have anything to write on my list.” What silly creatures we are! Haha! Don’t limit yourself to the big stuff.
Write down ANYTHING good.
1/2/2018 I enjoyed the glittering snow.
1/4/2018 I chose to smile at my child when I picked him up from school.
1/5/2018 I managed to finish the dishes tonight.
1/6/2018 I paid the bills and only cried about it for 30 minutes instead of an hour.
1/7/2018 My spouse gave me a nice hug upon arriving home.
Is there a little voice inside you arguing against this? Maybe the voice says something like,“If I write down those tiny things, I’ll get so discouraged about my situation that I’ll sink even deeper into depression than I already am!”
Consider this. I’m not encouraging you to make this list of positives because your life is so awesome, and you’d realize that if you just wrote down a few things. Nope, not what I’m saying! I’m encouraging you to write this list because your life is challenging, and this is one tool in your tool belt for staying above water.
How much do you need to value the things you write down? Only enough to write it down. I’m not saying you throw a party or even phone a friend about it! Just write it down as a small acknowledgement of a moment of delight, a small step forward, etc.
Taking note of the positive often starts by noting “the absence of worse”, especially where parenting a challenging kid is concerned. For instance:
1/4/2018 My kid reached for a bowl to chuck it across the room but spilled it out instead.
1/5/2018 I didn’t get peed on during today’s rage like last week.
1/8/2018 Today my child said she wanted to stab me with a knife instead of actually
getting physically aggressive.
You write these things down because you are practicing the discipline of taking note of the positive.
It wasn’t great but it was better that your child spilled a bowl instead of throwing a bowl. It wasn’t great but it was better that he didn’t pee on you this time! It’s even better that your child is expressing her big feelings through words instead of expressing them through actions. (Using violent words instead of violent actions is one of the early signs of healing, which is understandably hard to appreciate.)
Being a positive parent takes intentional practice
at noticing and valuing the small things.
These things don’t feel good, but they are better. Tomorrow her behavior may go down the drain, but just now it was better and that matters. It’s one sign that “better” is possible! Besides, who says you have to let tomorrow’s downturn erase this moment’s positive? As time goes on “better” can increase in frequency until one day you suddenly realize that "better" has actually become “usual”.
The more “betters” you notice, the more positives you can celebrate in your child.
“Johnny, I noticed that you thought about throwing that bowl, but you spilled it instead. Good choice! Spilling it was safer for everyone and even easier on you to clean up! Good job having a little self-control even with a big feeling.”
The brain’s three favorite things according to Dr. Bruce Perry are Attention, Affection, and Approval. When you take note of the good and better moments, you have something to approve as well as positive attention and affection to give instead of just criticism! Woohoo!
Writing down the good trains your eyes to look for positives
and tunes your heart toward appreciation.
Finding small moments you can praise is NECESSARY for a child’s healing. It says to your child that you believe in her, there’s hope for a better future for her, you want good things for her, and you’re interested in helping her succeed.
THAT’s the kind of parent you want to be --
a parent who builds their own life on the positives
and who helps their child grow through positives!
