Children suffering from early childhood trauma have big secrets which they need to tell along their healing journey. Some of these secrets are of abusive things that were done to them. Other secrets are of bad choices that child has made himself or herself - maybe something the child stole, lied about, damaged, or someone they hurt. The secret could even be the truth about a big feeling they’re having such as “I am embarrassed” or “I think no one likes me” or “I’m really mad at someone or think things are unfair”.

Typically, traumatized children only tell their secrets when they have repeatedly experienced that the adult with whom they are sharing is strong enough and smart enough to see through lies and manipulations. The children must also have experienced that this adult continues to accept the child despite their bad behavior choices and big feelings (a.k.a. rages). They don’t tell their secrets to the nicest person. They tell their secrets to the person they perceive to be the strongest, someone they might be able to trust to still like them and to truly keep them safe even after knowing this dark secret.

“I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”

That oath may be the way that witnesses are sworn into court, but it is NOT how children let out their secrets. First of all, they generally don’t let out their secrets just because someone asks! Secondly, when a child is working toward telling the truth it is very typical for the child’s behavior to degenerate and their mood to spiral out of control. Those can be good signs that pressure is building toward a release of important secrets. In general, the confession process often looks like this: a child will first…

tell a lie,
then a small partial truth,
then more truth,
then recant,
and then more truth again.

This process can take days, weeks, months, or years. (See how simple it is to parent traumatized children?! Just kidding!)

The lie is all about “testing the waters” and therefore may have nothing to do with anything. For instance, the child may be working toward a confession of physical abuse by a neighbor, but what the child says is, “I stole an eraser from my sister,” an event that didn’t even happen! The lie is a test to see how you will respond to negative information. So you say, “That might be true. And if it is, then good job telling the truth! I love you no matter what.” It is best to not full agree to anything that you cannot verify. If you cannot verify the eraser theft, then don’t fully agree that it happened. In fact, the child is more likely to perceive you as strong because you did NOT immediately accept her story as true than if you had! Why? Because the child wants to know that you are smart enough to not be manipulated. So, your answer demonstrated your strength to not be conned as well as your strength to accept the child despite their bad behavior. WIN. You will continue to be a candidate in that child’s mind for receiving the secret about her victimization.

Then comes the partial truth. The purpose of the partial truth is to dampen the gravity of what happened - just in case you can’t handle the full reality - and usually also to hide the child’s own culpability or perceived culpability in that situation. Partial truths might include statements like “It only happened that one time, a long time ago” when actually it’s been happening repeatedly and as recently as last week. It is VERY IMPORTANT TO VALIDATE what you can. For instance, you could respond with, “I’m so glad you told me. You are right that that person should not have hurt you in that way. That is not ok. Let’s make a plan together to keep you safe from that happening again.”

Another partial truth might be, “But I told her to stop!” when actually there was no refusal. (The absence of a refusal does not take away the child’s victim status. Fear can make children feel like they have no choice in the matter.) A good response to such partial truths is, “That would be a good response if you did that! And, I want to help you whether you said that or not.” Again, you are agreeing with the hypothetical possibility and then affirming your commitment to helping your child be safe and grow strong, no matter what the truth is. Because the confession process is riddled with partial truths, you cannot hold the child to every detail in her story. Agreeing with hypothetical possibilities provides acceptance while also leaving room for the child to adjust the details closer to the truth as she is ready.

When a big truth finally comes out, the child may display a sense of relief from that weight be lifting off her shoulders. The child may be exhausted or anxiously wired. Behavior may suddenly boomerang back to good choices and respectful attitudes. And then, it may all fall apart again because there is still more that needs to be told…

But what’s left to tell might be REALLY, REALLY scary to confess. It might be so riddled with shame that the child would rather destroy their favorite belongings, try to run away, self-harm, or other destructive behaviors instead of letting out that truth. So the next best thing to do (in the child’s mind) is…RECANT! “You know that thing I told you about, Mom? I lied. I made it all up. It wasn’t true.” This can be so stressful for parents! Your mind is still reeling from the horrible news which she told you two days ago, and now she’s trying to convince you that it was all fake. It’s easy to feel completely disoriented, frustrated, and maxed out! One good response is, “I wouldn’t want that story to be true either. It feels scary to tell the truth, especially if you feel ashamed or embarrassed, but the truth sets us free. It opens the door so we can learn and grow and move on. I love you no matter what. You take some time to think about whether you want to carry the heavy secrets or tell the truth so you can grow stronger.”

The child’s behavior after this may give you some indication about what the truth really is. You may learn the truth in time through the discovery of evidence, or you may not. The child may confess the truth or stay stuck. Either way, you will have validated that you are committed to the child’s well-being and strong enough to handle terrible news as well as big feelings.

Truth-telling is an important part of the healing process. If a child cannot confess what she has done, then she cannot take responsibility. How will she ever have a successful life without being able to take responsibility for her own thoughts, feelings, words, and actions? She can’t. Confession, repentance, and restitution are necessary part of every human’s life if they want to grow healthy and enjoy strong relationships. Secondly, a child’s ability to tell the truth about what was done to them is an important part of getting power over that victimization. If a victim cannot tell the truth about what happened, then that victim is still bound by the power of that event. Simply saying the truth out loud and having it validated by another who also embraces us breaks the power of fear and unlocks us to grow stronger than our pain.

Be patient with the litmus test lies, the partial truths, the denial of culpability, and retractions. Those are the painful path which hurts follow as they make their way out of the deep places of the soul.

2/3 of sexually abused children won’t disclose anything until adulthood…if ever.

Pornography consumption is averaged to begin around age 10. And, activities that increase arousal (such as the visual stimulation of pornography) or decrease inhibition (such as substance abuse) increase a child’s susceptibility to sexual abuse.

Approximately 98% of all male and female prostitutes were sexually abused as children. That’s an estimated 1 million sexually abused children in the USA, not counting all the ones who did NOT grow up to be prostitutes.

How do you keep your child safe?

I strongly recommend that ALL parents, ESPECIALLY parents of traumatized children, watch the Sexual Abuse Awareness training online videos available for $10 at www.abusepreventionsystems.com

Today I want to focus on sexual abuse between children.

Sexual abuse between children, including biological and adopted siblings, is very, very real, and a major risk during this time of quarantine. However, statistics on sexual abuse between children (one child with another) are mostly unknown because, sadly, child-with-child sexual abuse is not well reported, documented, or responded to by community systems.

What you need to understand is that, whether between two children or between an adult and a minor, sexual abuse is based in secrecy, rule-breaking, and manipulation. Therefore, preventing sexual abuse largely means preventing and addressing secrecy, rule-breaking, and manipulation when you suspect them (not only when you see them), especially between children. Of course, not all secrecy, rule-breaking, manipulation lead to sexual abuse. That’s precisely why recognizing that sexual abuse is happening or about to happen is SO STINKING HARD. We all think we’d definitely know if our child was being molested, sodomized, or raped, but that’s just NOT TRUE.

Sexual abuse is not limited to older kids abusing younger kids or boys abusing females. Sexual abuse can happen to infants and teenagers and anyone in between. It can happen between two girls. It can happen between two boys. It can happen in a playhouse or fort or under the slide, which doesn’t even have walls, or a kitchen full of windows. One can grab the other’s penis by reaching through the two inch gap under an accordion wall. It can happen when the two children are just barely out of sight in a room full of adults. Penetration can happen in under 2 minutes - even if you’ve never been that quick yourself! It can happen during the night or during the day. It can happen daily. It can happen for months and months. It can happen with a foot under the dining room table caressing the crotch of someone else at the table. These are all real life examples.

And, your very young child can even enjoy it to some extent because sexual activity was designed to be pleasurable and to make you feel special. But sexual activity was NOT designed for children, and it hurts them in deep and lasting ways!

Sexual abuse between children involves an Aggressor (a child who is perceived to have more power) and a Non-aggressor (a child who feels they have less power than the Aggressor). The two children’s “power” may be perceived as unequal due to differences in age, physical size, social status, intellect, attractiveness, or anything else that is valued. For this reason, children with disabilities, including Autism, are at VERY HIGH RISK of being sexual abused by other children who have more “power” than they do.

There are signs that your child is being sexually abused, but they don’t always stand out. For instance, would you immediately think, “Someone is molesting my child!” if your middle schooler was struggling academically at school, arguing with you a lot, and insisting on listening to rap music when you’ve said no a hundred times? Probably not. And yet, those might be the signs for your child.

Some signs are very indicative of sexual abuse, including:

Self-stimulation
Sexual play with toys or other people or animals
Explicit drawings or stories
Venereal disease
Toileting problems such as bedwetting
Excessive modesty like wearing double-layer shorts or trousers or even two bras
Prostitution
Difficulty walking or sitting
Itchy genitals or anus

Other signs are less direct, such as:

Anger
Low self-esteem
Conflict-seeking behavior
Depression
Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, places, or people
Increased interest in a person or place who was previously disliked
Poor hygiene
Messy belongings
Sudden change in weight (up or down) or an eating disorder
Self-harm and suicidal ideation
Increased anxiety: night terrors, phobias, startling when touched
A significant drop in academic performance or motivation
An increase in seductive attire and behavior

That probably doesn’t clear a lot of things up for you because it is REALLY HARD to tell if children are being secretly sexually active or not.

So, the best course of action is intentional prevention. Here are a few household rules to increase safety. These rules are effective but not sufficient on their own.

Show them they are special and loved. Talk with your children daily about their intrinsic value and belovedness! Learn to speak your child’s love language and fill up their affirmation bucket so they don’t fall prey to an Aggressor who will fill their bucket with hurt and lies.
Teach them about private parts and the valuable sacredness of sexual intimacy about once a year. Teach them that their parts are special and that sexual activity is special, and it’s worth waiting to share all that with a wonderful, committed spouse. And start this when they’re 3 or 4 or today! If you’re waiting until puberty, that’s too late. While they are still preschoolers they are curious about the difference between penises and vaginas and rarely take on shame when discussing it. (It also does not sexualize children to teach them about their private parts. It keeps them from having to learn about their private parts from others who also want sex touching.) One book to help you is “Where Did I Come From” by Peter Mayle. Preschoolers won’t understand most of what you read from the book, which is fine, because that’s not the point. The point is to give them factual answers that satisfy their curiosity in a safe setting and to make sure that SEX TOUCHING IS NOT A SECRET. (But, NEVER share your sex life with your children in any way! Sex is meant to be privately shared within marriage, not with minors, not even on TV.)
Teach them how to stay safe in a dangerous world. Talk with your children REGULARLY about how to discern safe settings and safe people. “Don’t take candy from strangers…Don’t be alone with an adult…Never let anyone touch your private parts; save them for your spouse…If you have questions about relationships or about sex, just ask me.” Specifically, teach your children how to say no if something becomes unsafe. Tell them to scream and run and hit, even if it’s an adult or a big, scary kid. Teach them to fight and to TELL.
To protect children from each other during the night, use individually alarmed bedrooms. Children with difficulty trusting and respecting their parents or with a history of being sexually abused or sexually reactive should sleep with an alarm on their door and be taught to stay in their rooms unless the parents release them or in case of a true blood or fire emergency. (Alarms do no good if the child can simply set it off any time they want to leave the bedroom.) The best product is a door alarm with key pad, available here: https://www.alzstore.com/door-alarm-with-keypad-p/0034.htm And the best in-room toileting option for all ages, even teens, is the Fisher-Price Froggy Potty from Target or Walmart.
Learn self-defense. Despite the fact that sexual abuse can happen to anyone at any age, teen girls are the most targeted population that we know of. So take a self-defense class with your teenager, and take it more than once. Turn those skills into muscle memory that can be used at a moment’s notice when she’s more scared than she’s ever been. Violent attacks are real.

The person most likely to sexually abuse your child is a person you know and trust. The answer isn’t to lock yourself away from the world and trust no one or to never let your teenage girl go anywhere. The answer is to be alert and to equip your children through frequent discussion, training, and validation of their own sacred value. Make them hard to target, not easy prey.

How Children Tell Their Secrets to Adults

The Sexual Abuse You're Not Seeing