2/3 of sexually abused children won’t disclose anything until adulthood…if ever.
Pornography consumption is averaged to begin around age 10. And, activities that increase arousal (such as the visual stimulation of pornography) or decrease inhibition (such as substance abuse) increase a child’s susceptibility to sexual abuse.
Approximately 98% of all male and female prostitutes were sexually abused as children. That’s an estimated 1 million sexually abused children in the USA, not counting all the ones who did NOT grow up to be prostitutes.
How do you keep your child safe?
I strongly recommend that ALL parents, ESPECIALLY parents of traumatized children, watch the Sexual Abuse Awareness training online videos available for $10 at www.abusepreventionsystems.com
Today I want to focus on sexual abuse between children.
Sexual abuse between children, including biological and adopted siblings, is very, very real, and a major risk during this time of quarantine. However, statistics on sexual abuse between children (one child with another) are mostly unknown because, sadly, child-with-child sexual abuse is not well reported, documented, or responded to by community systems.
What you need to understand is that, whether between two children or between an adult and a minor, sexual abuse is based in secrecy, rule-breaking, and manipulation. Therefore, preventing sexual abuse largely means preventing and addressing secrecy, rule-breaking, and manipulation when you suspect them (not only when you see them), especially between children. Of course, not all secrecy, rule-breaking, manipulation lead to sexual abuse. That’s precisely why recognizing that sexual abuse is happening or about to happen is SO STINKING HARD. We all think we’d definitely know if our child was being molested, sodomized, or raped, but that’s just NOT TRUE.
Sexual abuse is not limited to older kids abusing younger kids or boys abusing females. Sexual abuse can happen to infants and teenagers and anyone in between. It can happen between two girls. It can happen between two boys. It can happen in a playhouse or fort or under the slide, which doesn’t even have walls, or a kitchen full of windows. One can grab the other’s penis by reaching through the two inch gap under an accordion wall. It can happen when the two children are just barely out of sight in a room full of adults. Penetration can happen in under 2 minutes - even if you’ve never been that quick yourself! It can happen during the night or during the day. It can happen daily. It can happen for months and months. It can happen with a foot under the dining room table caressing the crotch of someone else at the table. These are all real life examples.
And, your very young child can even enjoy it to some extent because sexual activity was designed to be pleasurable and to make you feel special. But sexual activity was NOT designed for children, and it hurts them in deep and lasting ways!
Sexual abuse between children involves an Aggressor (a child who is perceived to have more power) and a Non-aggressor (a child who feels they have less power than the Aggressor). The two children’s “power” may be perceived as unequal due to differences in age, physical size, social status, intellect, attractiveness, or anything else that is valued. For this reason, children with disabilities, including Autism, are at VERY HIGH RISK of being sexual abused by other children who have more “power” than they do.
There are signs that your child is being sexually abused, but they don’t always stand out. For instance, would you immediately think, “Someone is molesting my child!” if your middle schooler was struggling academically at school, arguing with you a lot, and insisting on listening to rap music when you’ve said no a hundred times? Probably not. And yet, those might be the signs for your child.
Some signs are very indicative of sexual abuse, including:
Self-stimulation
Sexual play with toys or other people or animals
Explicit drawings or stories
Venereal disease
Toileting problems such as bedwetting
Excessive modesty like wearing double-layer shorts or trousers or even two bras
Prostitution
Difficulty walking or sitting
Itchy genitals or anus
Other signs are less direct, such as:
Anger
Low self-esteem
Conflict-seeking behavior
Depression
Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, places, or people
Increased interest in a person or place who was previously disliked
Poor hygiene
Messy belongings
Sudden change in weight (up or down) or an eating disorder
Self-harm and suicidal ideation
Increased anxiety: night terrors, phobias, startling when touched
A significant drop in academic performance or motivation
An increase in seductive attire and behavior
That probably doesn’t clear a lot of things up for you because it is REALLY HARD to tell if children are being secretly sexually active or not.
So, the best course of action is intentional prevention. Here are a few household rules to increase safety. These rules are effective but not sufficient on their own.
Show them they are special and loved. Talk with your children daily about their intrinsic value and belovedness! Learn to speak your child’s love language and fill up their affirmation bucket so they don’t fall prey to an Aggressor who will fill their bucket with hurt and lies.
Teach them about private parts and the valuable sacredness of sexual intimacy about once a year. Teach them that their parts are special and that sexual activity is special, and it’s worth waiting to share all that with a wonderful, committed spouse. And start this when they’re 3 or 4 or today! If you’re waiting until puberty, that’s too late. While they are still preschoolers they are curious about the difference between penises and vaginas and rarely take on shame when discussing it. (It also does not sexualize children to teach them about their private parts. It keeps them from having to learn about their private parts from others who also want sex touching.) One book to help you is “Where Did I Come From” by Peter Mayle. Preschoolers won’t understand most of what you read from the book, which is fine, because that’s not the point. The point is to give them factual answers that satisfy their curiosity in a safe setting and to make sure that SEX TOUCHING IS NOT A SECRET. (But, NEVER share your sex life with your children in any way! Sex is meant to be privately shared within marriage, not with minors, not even on TV.)
Teach them how to stay safe in a dangerous world. Talk with your children REGULARLY about how to discern safe settings and safe people. “Don’t take candy from strangers…Don’t be alone with an adult…Never let anyone touch your private parts; save them for your spouse…If you have questions about relationships or about sex, just ask me.” Specifically, teach your children how to say no if something becomes unsafe. Tell them to scream and run and hit, even if it’s an adult or a big, scary kid. Teach them to fight and to TELL.
To protect children from each other during the night, use individually alarmed bedrooms. Children with difficulty trusting and respecting their parents or with a history of being sexually abused or sexually reactive should sleep with an alarm on their door and be taught to stay in their rooms unless the parents release them or in case of a true blood or fire emergency. (Alarms do no good if the child can simply set it off any time they want to leave the bedroom.) The best product is a door alarm with key pad, available here: https://www.alzstore.com/door-alarm-with-keypad-p/0034.htm And the best in-room toileting option for all ages, even teens, is the Fisher-Price Froggy Potty from Target or Walmart.
Learn self-defense. Despite the fact that sexual abuse can happen to anyone at any age, teen girls are the most targeted population that we know of. So take a self-defense class with your teenager, and take it more than once. Turn those skills into muscle memory that can be used at a moment’s notice when she’s more scared than she’s ever been. Violent attacks are real.
The person most likely to sexually abuse your child is a person you know and trust. The answer isn’t to lock yourself away from the world and trust no one or to never let your teenage girl go anywhere. The answer is to be alert and to equip your children through frequent discussion, training, and validation of their own sacred value. Make them hard to target, not easy prey.