Have you ever heard someone say, “Kids grow so fast!” As that statement reverberated through your ears, did a voice inside you scream, “What the heck are you talking about?!”
Or maybe...
“If only! The only thing that has changed about my kid in 8 years is the strength of his violent muscles! What I’d give to see some sign of change!”
Yep, when you’re raising a child whose development has been interrupted by early childhood trauma, the parenting years feel anything but “fast”.
For instance, a jacket was left at my house by a respite child. When I noticed it, I couldn’t decide if it was left by the 13 year old, the 10 ½ year old, or the 7 year old because they are all roughly the same size! (All 3 children were from different families and ethnicities.)
NOTE: Not every child with RAD is delayed in their physical growth, but a striking number are. For another interesting example of this read Chapter 4 “Skin Hunger” in The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog by Dr. Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. and Maia Szalavitz.
And it’s not just their size that’s different.
Parents of typically developing kids have a totally different experience than RAD parents. “Typical” parents sometimes think, “I wish my child would stay like this forever” as they cherish a particularly cute or fun stage. While parents of children with RAD think, “I can’t remember any age or stage when this behavior was cute!”
RAD parenting is a totally different ballgame through and through.
It’s a completely different ballgame to the extent that it just doesn’t even seem fair to call them both “parenting”. I mean, would you call mixed martial arts and ballet the same sport? It’s as different as that.
What can community members do?
1. Know that a child’s chronological age and physical size mean next to nothing.
2. Know that development is uneven. So, yes, my kid is amazing at multiplication, but he can’t wipe off the table or tie his shoes, doesn’t know how to play on a playground, or rarely has a day without stealing, lying and tantruming / raging.
3. Have compassion on RAD parents who feel stuck in an unending time vortex of stress and abuse cycles.
And, parents, keep telling yourself, “This too shall pass.” It really will. Who do you want to be at the end of it all?
When I was a case manager, I told my foster kids, “Everyone leaves foster care eventually.” Now as a respite provider I say the same thing: “Look around you – no one else is still here. Everyone leaves respite.” It does end, one way or another.