This photo is a recreation of a real scene.
The real scene is this. I was working at a camp for RAD families and supervising the girls bathroom during a group bathroom break for the kids. One of the girls around age 8 walked up to the sink to wash her hands, touched the tip of her finger to the faucet handle, and froze. It was a slightly unusual handle, and I think perhaps she hadn't realized this until the moment came for her to turn the water on. And then it happened.
Her brain froze. The thought bubble over her head said, "I don't know how to do this."
Normally adults would just right in. "Oh here, honey. Let me help you with that!" But I'm trained in RAD parenting, so I just stood back and watched.
Other girls came and went at the sink next to her, successfully turning on the faucet, washing their hands, and leaving the bathroom. But this little one was frozen stiff, utterly incapacitated by the realization that she didn't know what to do AND the fact that she didn't trust anyone to help her.
And therein lies the crux of the matter: TRUST.
Yes, fear, perhaps shame, self-doubt were probably part of this equation, but if she had had trust, all those would've dissipated. If she could only believe that someone was able and willing to help her and that she was safe and worthy to receive that help, she could've broken free. But no. There she stood: finger to faucet.
After several minutes of this I said,
"Do you have a question?"
Notice that I didn't ask if she wanted help. Normally, people would say, "Would you like some help?" But for kids with RAD it's really important for them to realize and confess that they need help. We take that away when we suggest it.
Secondly, it's really important for kids with RAD to come up with the question they need to ask to get the help they need. They've got to learn to ASK.
This is super scary for kids with RAD.
It means going out on a limb to:
1) show the vulnerability of need and
2) express dependence on someone else and
3) submit yourself into the mercy of someone else's hands.
The child's internal monologue might sound something like this:
What if the adult won't help me? What if they call me stupid?
What if they beat me for being dumb?
Does this mean I'm dumb? I'm sure it does. I know I'm dumb.
What if I get a restitution for asking? What is other kids see me asking?
And on and on it goes. Meanwhile little girl is frozen in place and none of that internal whirling is visible on the surface. What a miserable, difficult internal world.
So to review, I waited and watched. Then I asked, "Do you have a question?"
Kids with RAD will usually answer that question by stating their need. For instance, this girl probably said, "I can't turn the water on" or maybe "I don't know how to turn the water on" or maybe "I need some water." These are the typical formats of the child's reply.
But, that's the answer to a different question. That's the answer to, "What do you need/want?"
So I say, "Ok, what question could you ask about that?"
Here the child may be stuck again for a long time. If so, you might suggest the child jump on a mini trampoline "to supercharge their brain" until they think of the answer or mom can pull the child in close and hold her for a bit until mom feels the child is ready to try again.
"What question could you ask about that?"
At this point accept any reasonable request and work with them to improve it if needed. For example...
Kid: "Can you turn it on?"
Adult: "How about, 'Would you please turn it on'?"
Kid: "Would you please turn it on?"
Adult: "Yes."
Then turn on the faucet and move on with life. No restitution. No discussion. Just move on.
Other Options
You don't always have to respond this way! Sometimes you might just say, "Would you like me to help you?" If they say yes, that's a win. They're receiving your help! Woohoo! You're demonstrating to your child that you have something to offer and you're willing to give it. But next time ask them if there's something they could ask.
The one thing I do NOT suggest is stepping in and doing the thing for them. I call this "Helpfulness Disease". In the example above this would look like stepping up and just turning on the faucet for the girl.
I really don't suggest that because you've just validated that the child was incapable of figuring it out and of asking for help, and if the kid can't do either of those life tasks, they're in a world of trouble. It's way better to teach than usurp.
How This Can Go Wrong
This technique can go wrong when done with a harsh tone or resentful spirit, which is easy to do if you feel you're in a hurry.
This can go wrong if you charge the child for your help. It already cost the child the use of their brain and humbling of their spirit. Seeing as those are the things you're trying to heal/grow, mission accomplished.
Beware of becoming "restitution-happy" and charging for every blasted thing. That doesn't build relationship.
Also, "teach the child about life" is one of the Jobs of the Parent. In this situation you have to be dedicated to helping your child grow in their skills and overcome fear. You've got to approach the situation like that and not as "a technique for managing behavior problems".
Why is it so important for the child to make a request?
1. Knowing how to ask for help is a key life skill.
2. Asking for help reveals a point of need, and needs are the basis for building healthy trust. And trust is one of the 3 main keys to healthy attachment.
(Sign up for parent coaching if you want to learn more about the Jobs of the Parent and these 3 keys and how to nurture them in your home.)
3. When the child's brain works, the child's brain learns. (Besides, your brain is getting plenty of exercise already! You might as well let the kid solve this one.)
Allow the child to have time and space for her brain to work by giving her time to think.
For example, I waited. Then I continued to give her brain space by posing a question that directed her to come up with a request. Asking "Would you like help" would only require a simple 'yes' or 'no'. That's not a lot of work for her brain; she's not going to learn much. But having to think up a request that fits the situation is HARD! That exercise will help her brain learn and grow.
Requests for help matter!