Holiday activities with a traumatized child who has high anxiety require a thoughtful approach.
First of all, you have permission to just stay home! No activities are required. Ask yourself:
What will this require of me?
What are the likely repercussions afterward?
What could I do instead?
Which route is more worth it to me?
Make your own choice and then be willing to handle the consequences of that choice, whether you foresaw them or not.
If you’d like to include some holiday fun, here are some tips that might increase your likelihood of success at enjoying a surprise holiday activity.
Step 1: After your child finishes her responsibilities on a random Saturday morning in December tell her to get in the car for an errand. Then drive to the Lego Exhibit (or whatever activity you've chosen) for a little fun.
Step 2: When you get home, give your child some quiet down time before trying to do anything else.
Now notice the bold words in the previous paragraph. Those are the keys to success.
Surprise:
Keeping the special activity a surprise
often helps keep a child’s anxiety lower than
if they know an event is coming.
After:
Kids are usually more able to receive something special
after they have completed their usual responsibilities.
Plus, we do want them to understand the principle of “work before play”.
(I do NOT recommend you give the surprise as an act of “grace” even if the child failed to finish their responsibilities. That will generally blow up in your face.)
Quiet Down Time:
“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”
Fun gets a child worked up.
“Worked up” is a form of stress.
It only takes a tiny bit more stress for your child to blow up.
Instead of adding the last bit of stress by asking Johnny to put away his clean laundry, put Johnny in an Epsom salt bath or in his room for a rest or quiet activity. After Johnny has rested (possibly as long as 1.5-2 hours), then ask him to put away his clean laundry.
The quiet down time is for prevention, but it can only provide you with prevention if you do it BEFORE it’s absolutely necessary. So many parents wait too long.
If Johnny has a nice long rest and still melts down when you tell him to put away his clean laundry, then at least you’ve had a nice rest to help you handle the meltdown! And it’s possible that Johnny is just that tired and maybe needs to be fed and put to bed. The laundry can be folded tomorrow.
(If you’re thinking, “Why is she letting Johnny get out of his chores?” then consider signing up for Parent Coaching to learn more about Activity Holding Patterns.)
Notice that this activity wasn’t earned.
The child put themselves in the right position to receive the activity by getting their responsibilities done. The child didn’t do anything to actually EARN it. That’s OK, even good.
There’s a difference between being in position to receive gifts
and earning privileges.
One of the advantages of being a family kid is receiving free gifts of love such as a fun outing or special treat. If your child only ever receives what they earn, they won’t heal.
When you invite your son/daughter to enjoy free gifts of love (staying within the range of what you believe they are strong enough to handle), you invite them to be part of the family.
Keep inviting.
Some of the invitations will get shredded.
Some will be “returned to sender” with cuss words added to the envelope.
Some will be cast aside and forgotten.
But some will be accepted or at least attempted.
Keep inviting. It’s the thing that should set you apart from everyone else in the world.
Tiny bites -> Small steps -> Progress