As if being abused, rejected, water-tortured by the craziest little behaviors, and even gaslit in inexplainable ways for YEARS on end wasn’t enough, RAD parents finally get a breath of hope when their child appears to take a step forward and then...CRASH. Old habits re-surface with vengeance, and all you can think is...
WWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY???????!!!!!
Then you want to rant and rage yourself, spew anger at those you love, inflict discomfort on the child with RAD who is behaving abominably, and GIVE UP!
“I’M DONE! Why do I even try? Why am I doing this?!”
I’m here to tell you that breakdowns are part of healing.
You see, healing means you’re getting freedom from something, and freedom has two parts:
1) Getting free
2) Staying free
Sadly we expect drug users, cigarette smokers, over-eaters, screamers, and all manner of unhealthy habited people (including our children) to instantly stop their bad habit and never do it again. That’s ridiculous. It’s also completely lacking in grace and that’s not who you want to be!
Every single human can relate to the feeling of trying to stop a bad habit or add a healthy one to your life only to fall off the wagon pretty quickly. For me it’s 4 days. I can do something 4 times in a row, then I celebrate, and don’t do it again for weeks, months, years, or maybe ever? Ha.
The challenge is to see “falling off the wagon” differently.
The first step is to change your metaphor. When we talk about people “falling off the wagon”, the picture that conjures is hopeless and devastating! So let’s change from “falling off the wagon” to “getting a flat tire”.
I start a new healthy habit, I manage do it for 4 days (woohoo!), and immediately following my celebration I get a flat tire. My healthy habit is now dead on the side of the road AGAIN.
To change our perspective on flat tires let’s look at why we get them in life and during healing.
Why We Get Flat Tires
1. We hit a challenge stronger than us.
The first thing anyone would think of is getting a flat tire from sharp objects (nails) and potholes. On the road to healing this can be equated to temptations – that shiny object in the road you just can’t resist! As you become a more skillful driver you may start to notice such objects (though some may still catch you by surprise) and learn to avoid them. Until then you will get flats. That’s gonna happen.
Flat tires can also come from hitting uneven pavement. That’s like when a child encounters a change they aren’t prepared for or didn’t expect. BANG! Meltdown.
The start of school, especially if it’s a new school or higher level, is a great example of “uneven pavement”. For some kids the parent going out of town is also a situation of “uneven pavement”, even if that same child is a disrespectful, defiant stinker most of the time to that parent! As parents we need to take situations of “uneven pavement” very seriously and make lots of preventative and follow-up care plans (for ourselves as much as them!) while also accepting that our child may be stuck on the side of the road for quite some time.
Another challenge that can pop a tire is a simple change in air temperature! When the air temperature rises, the tire pressure increases as the air inside expands until POP! In healing this equates to emotional atmospheric temperature and stress levels.
Has your child made it 4 days without a tantrum?
Are the parents stressed about work?
Is there an event approaching: birthday, holiday, school break...
In each of these situations beware of rising pressure.
2. We lack stamina for the good.
The fact of the matter is that when it comes to doing well, your child’s tires wear out really fast. A child with RAD can manipulate others endlessly or sit staring at nothing for hours without waning in their commitment to do nothing, but making strong choices (a.k.a. exercising trust, respect and self-control) will take energy right out of them!
To use our tire analogy, the child’s “good tires” are so old and dusty that the valve leaks and they go flat.
Your child has to build up endurance for doing good.
Have you ever done a huge workout without building up slowly in your training? Perhaps you decide to turn a new leaf and go for a long run when you hardly ever exercise at all. Or, maybe you worked up the gumption to do tons of yard work when you usually don’t do any.
Have you had the experience maybe even a day or two later when your body hurts SO VERY MUCH and you realize it was from doing more work than you’re used to? Perhaps you can no longer raise your right arm or it hurts to even walk from the couch to the fridge. Often times we will respond to this by not exercising for a long time again because that hurt! This is what happens to our kids. They pop up to a new level of life but don’t have the stamina to sustain it, so they end up achy and sore and return to their old ways instead.
And the last reason that breakdowns are part of healing is...
3. We have more underlying issues to take care of.
Let’s say your kid “put on their good tires” one day, but they failed to tighten the lug nuts. Bummer. Watch for flying tires. Or maybe they filled the tires with the wrong amount of pressure. That’s only going to work for so long.
In healing terms we’re talking about underlying therapeutic issues that are still being sorted out. Sure, your kid has put a few pieces together (celebrate that!) and managed to have a good moment / day / week / month. Yay! But, there are still several puzzle pieces missing from the puzzle.
The trick is to stop fretting over the breakdown and to celebrate the success,
however short-lived.
It’s not about how many times you break down. Let that go. Believe that one day he/she just might change that tire and get back on the road. Believe for the restart!
This can be HARD. I know I’m not asking something simple of you.
The better you get at celebrating the successes and holding onto hope for the restart, the better chance your child will have at changing their flat tire
and getting back on the road!